Slylock Fox is a Rotten, Nitpicking Motherfucker

For those of you that don’t know, Slylock Fox is a cartoon that ran in the Newark Star-Ledger when I was growing up. Here is a sample cartoon that I found on the internet.

Shady Shrew borrowed music CDs from Roxy Rabbit. When she tried to retrieve them, Shady claimed that they had been stolen. The Shrew insists a burglar entered his house. He says the vase was knocked over when the thief threw the door open. He claims that he called the police when he heard the crash, but that the burglar fled with the CDs before the police arrived. Slylock Fox doesn't believe Shady Shrew.

Answer: that cartoon is garbage. Most cartoons are garbage, but at least most of them don’t make you angry. The answer is that there are no hinges on the door, so the door opens out, not in, so the door couldn’t have knocked over the vase . If I had to assign people from my own life to play the animals in this cartoon, that ant-eating idiot (shady shrew) would be me, the topless mouse would be Keane, Shady Shrew would be Don, I guess, and Slylock Fox would be Satan himself.
The other thing is, do you really think Roxy Rabbit is going to have fresh flowers in a vase by the door next to his uneaten piece of cake and his banana peel’d couch? Roxy Rabbit lives in squalor. I would think, before you go out to buy fresh flowers, Roxy Rabbit, maybe finish off that turkey leg and patch up the holes in your wall. Now that I re-read it, Shady Shrew lives there, and not Roxy Rabbit. Whatever. The point is, if you solved this without reading my answer, I’ll play with your wiener for an hour. (If you’re a girl, I’ll play with your boyfriends wiener for an hour.) If you want to get into enough detail to realize that there are no hinges on the door, then why not get into enough detail to see that Shady Shrew’s eyes are connected to his hat, and he probably can’t see. That’s probably why his place is such a mess. Also, does Max Mouse solve all his crimes topless? Why is Slylock Fox coming down from upstairs? I think he and Max Mouse have to have a serious talk. If I sound angry, it’s because I wasted at least an hour every Sunday of my childhood feeling like an idiot on account of Slylock Fox’s underhanded tactics.
Anyway, The point of all of this: I take the bus to work. It occurred to me yesterday that they let anybody on the bus. This is because there is no ‘they.’ Last time I was on the bus, I saw this:

At first look, this is a picture of a very old man riding the bus. But let’s have SLYLOCK MOTHER-FIN’ FOX take a look!!!

‘Bout-to-die the Crocodile is taking the bus. Slyburke Fox sees that he’s about to get off the bus. Why does Slyburke suspect that the city of Philadelphia is in grave danger?
First, Let’s notice his stack of 40-50 very old newspapers. Now, it could be that he was taking them to get them framed, or into storage, or to be put into an album. But I’m sure if you asked him, he’d get all jittery and mumble something like, “uughh, I gotta get deese to da mayor.” Also, I bring two books on the bus with me, in case one gets boring, I read the other. Maybe he just needs to catch up on his reading.

Next, let’s observe that he’s set to get off at 30th street station, right around rush hour, where he can sell (?) his armfuls of newspapers or taste blood, or whatever he’s setting off to do. I just wish I had more time to spend with him.
Last, the scariest thing of all: Cleanly shaven face. This man is just crazy enough to appear sane. This is his big day, he’s bringing all those newspapers to 30th street station, he’s gotta look his finest!
Unfortunately, junior detectives, 30th street station is still standing, and this man’s mysterious intentions remain beyond the reach of Slyburke Fox.
We did solve a mystery today though, we can finally file Slylock away with Dhani Jones and anyone who was mean to Don in High School in the Bearded Man’s “Boy Offender File.”