The Bearded Job Search
Hey Bearded Man-fans. Recently, Some time between when my new boss was showing me how to staple two pieces of paper together (this is true. My question: If she wanted me to put something in alphabetical order, do you think she'd run through the alphabet with me? Let's hope not, but we may soon find out) and when the black girls in the call department were asking me if I had ever been to prison to make sure it was ok to have a crush on me, I started to wonder if my considerable talents were going to waste. The answer is "yes."
I need some money so that I can propose to my girlfriend, and go back to school, and start a career, and be unhappy in new and more interesting ways. In the interim, here are a few jobs i have considered.
-Body Builder
-Sheep Herder
-Shit shoveler
-Stapleist, ABC Orderologist
-Professional Phillies Fan
-Job in Marketing
-Small Engine Repair
-Garage Door Opener
-Ferris Wheel Operator
-Archery Enthusiast
Also, I thought about a job holding things for famous people? If I were famous, I'd pay someone to hold things for me, but I'd also fire that person a lot, tough call.
Anyway, seeing as how I could train a retarted monkey to do my job (and perform most of my social interactions as well) I think it may be time for a new one. If you have any ideas, tell them to someone who will tell them to me in a very kind and non-threatening way.
Time to Shake The Idea Bushel!!!
Idea #1: Injured Leg Magazine
For the first year, Injured Leg Magazine would be mostly making fun of people who have injured their leg, and the way they always tell the same dumb story about how they fell off their dumb bike or how one time I was riding an ATV and I put my feet down to stop because the brakes didn't work (I knew this getting on) and then the thing sucked my foot under it and I ended up running myself over, which is the only time I've ever heard of this happening, ever. I ran myself over with an ATV. That's like something out of the Matrix. Anyway, sooner or later, Injured Leg Magazine would slowly become exactly like Maxim.
Idea #3: Last words at UO
"Well, at least if I'm a shitty employee, it's some consolation that I may be a nice guy."
Hey Bearded Man-fans. Recently, Some time between when my new boss was showing me how to staple two pieces of paper together (this is true. My question: If she wanted me to put something in alphabetical order, do you think she'd run through the alphabet with me? Let's hope not, but we may soon find out) and when the black girls in the call department were asking me if I had ever been to prison to make sure it was ok to have a crush on me, I started to wonder if my considerable talents were going to waste. The answer is "yes."
I need some money so that I can propose to my girlfriend, and go back to school, and start a career, and be unhappy in new and more interesting ways. In the interim, here are a few jobs i have considered.
-Body Builder-Sheep Herder
-Shit shoveler
-Stapleist, ABC Orderologist
-Professional Phillies Fan
-Job in Marketing
-Small Engine Repair
-Garage Door Opener
-Ferris Wheel Operator
-Archery Enthusiast
Also, I thought about a job holding things for famous people? If I were famous, I'd pay someone to hold things for me, but I'd also fire that person a lot, tough call.
Anyway, seeing as how I could train a retarted monkey to do my job (and perform most of my social interactions as well) I think it may be time for a new one. If you have any ideas, tell them to someone who will tell them to me in a very kind and non-threatening way.
Time to Shake The Idea Bushel!!!
Idea #1: Injured Leg MagazineFor the first year, Injured Leg Magazine would be mostly making fun of people who have injured their leg, and the way they always tell the same dumb story about how they fell off their dumb bike or how one time I was riding an ATV and I put my feet down to stop because the brakes didn't work (I knew this getting on) and then the thing sucked my foot under it and I ended up running myself over, which is the only time I've ever heard of this happening, ever. I ran myself over with an ATV. That's like something out of the Matrix. Anyway, sooner or later, Injured Leg Magazine would slowly become exactly like Maxim.
Idea #3: Last words at UO
"Well, at least if I'm a shitty employee, it's some consolation that I may be a nice guy."
posted by Beardwell Growsmith | 3:30 PM
1 Comments:
Archery enthusiast, hands down. No, not literally, if you aim downward you might have another feature story for the ol' Injured Leg Digest (Yeh, I renamed it!).
I've tried the Phillies fan thing, but you can only survive for a short time on free hot dog fixins and giveaway schedule magnets before developing serious intestinal problems...
Post a Comment
<< Home