Section 1: I’m Trying Too Hard to be Friends with Don

It occurs to me that I am trying too hard to be friends with Don. I’m gonna try hard not to cross a few lines, but I just want to describe a feeling I get when Don is around. When I see don, my eyes look like this:
In just a few short weeks, Don has become the light of my life. Don's frienship is more dynamic than his most acrobatic trapeze act. What's that? You didn't know that Don is a serious trapeze artist? I didn't either, and when I found out, I had already decided that he was the coolest guy I had ever met. On our trip to Taco Bell this past Thursday, I was overmatched and outclassed.
Don looks like this:
I look like this:

Don, will you come to my birthday party? Anyway, I knew I had Don fever when I walked down the street and saw this:
I was going to put up a picture of what it would look like if Don had a few kids, but because all of Don's genes are dominant, all of them would look exactly like him no matter who he selected to copulate with.
Section 2: FAQ
I want to do an FAQ, but no one has asked me any questions yet. I did notice one thing though. If you grow a moustache as a joke, no one's going to give you the opportunity to make that distinction. Anyway, because of my lack of questions, I wanted to go onto Dhani Jones' site, and answer some of his questions as myself. However, most of his questions read like this: "Hey Dhani, you're so great, where can I buy (some fuckin t-shirt) in my size?" The most interesting question was about how Dhani likes his eggs, and he dodged that question. Anyway, most of the people asking questions are as dim as Dhani is cocky. So, in keeping with the themes of Sections 1 & 2, I have assembled a list of questions about Don that I'd like to ask Dhani Jones.
1.) Dhani, how did Don get to be so awesome?
2.) Dhani, could you ask Don to come to my birthday party?
3.) Dhani, where can I find a shirt to fit Don?
4.) Dhani, i have a new design for a bowtie:














Lookin' good, Jerksnob.

New Ideas
I have some new Ideas:
This is an idea I had in which I wait until everyone starts doing their shot to make my toast, so they can hear me better. Or, to make such a long toast that everyone starts drinking after a little while. It could be either, I don't remember. I do remember being very impressive that night, however. Here are ideas I had for the Bearded Man's Internet Superstore, opening in April.
Beard Cream
Here is an idea for cream that you rub on your beard, so that your beard grows inwardly as well as outwardly, and soon infiltrates the wrinkles of the brain, so that when you massage your beard in thought, you're really massaging your brain. Here is what the label will look like.

Smart, huh. This is, of course, a well oiled beard. You may recognize that beard from the face that it's on, which is my face. You may be also thinking that this is a scam, and you'd be right to think that. I also just had an idea for a swim cap, the kind that 90 year old women and olympic swimmers wear, but instead of the US Flag, it has a brain on it. People will say, 'that woman has an unfair advantage, to be swimming with her brain out.' And they'd be right. Also, I tried to make a picture of this man wearing the cap, but he looked exactly the same as figure 1.

Baby Beard Bib

A lot of my friends are getting married, and they ask me how they can make their new baby look more like a fisherman. That's why i came up with the baby bib beard or whatever.

I've decided that if your objective is to keep food off your baby's face, put something on his face. This is a sharp look. I don't know many babies, but this seems like something they might buy. I'll have more ideas tomorrow.

Also, you could wear your bib beard with your brain swim cap for a really smart look. Ahoy!

The Bow-Tie Guy
Hi guys. The other day, I was on Dhani Jones’ website, when I saw that he had FINALLY reviewed the movie ‘Zorro.’ Now, as mediocre linebackers go, Dhani Jones is great, but his real strength is in movie reviewing (http://www.dhani55.com/). How many times have you been watching a football game, and said to yourself, “I can’t go on watching this without knowing whether or not Ike Reese liked ‘Fever Pitch’” (I hear he loved it.)
PS- If you have trouble finding the movie review on his site, it’s in the ‘news’ section, and it’s the only item in there. He also has an ‘Ask Dhani’ Section, the format of which I will copy as soon as someone asks me a question. Also, if I had to rate Dhani’s review using the same rating scale he used to rate ‘Zorro,’ I would have to say, ‘sacked.’
In the spirited spirit of Dhani’s review, I’m going to review the movie King Kong. Now I’m a novice movie reviewer, but apparently that shouldn’t stop me from, well, anything really.
KING KONG

I give this movie five out of six beards.
Now, if you’re a sports fan, you were as surprised as I was to see Ryan Howard in this movie.

Here, an angry Kong swats at fighter planes.
Where does he find the time?
(on a serious note, I'm not a racist, but Ryan Howard looks like King Kong. Seriously.)
If you were to ask me, I’d say this movie was “really good.” But in keeping with Dhani’s review, which compared each part of the movie with a football play, I guess I should do the same. Here goes. The beginning of the movie was like the part of your beard that comes down in front of the ear, the middle of the movie was like the broad part that covers your cheeks. Then, like two and a half hours in, was the part that is next to your mouth that leads up to the end, your moustache. Go King Kong! Touchdown! Also, I think that Roger Ebert should make a similar crossover and upload some footage of him tackling somebody on his website. I’d give that tackle two thumbs up.