OH You Loveable Phillies

I love the Phillies. The only thing I love in sports more than the Phillies are the Phillie's announcers. I got an email from a dear friend recently telling me that the Phillies may not keep Scott Graham, who is the no-nonsense play-by-play guy and smoothest Phillies fan you'll ever meet. This sucks. Anyway, as I was reliving some of my favorite Scott Graham moments, (like how he laughs at all of LA's hilarious stories, even though he's heard them all at least three times a season for the last eight years, and how before each Phillies broadcast, the announcers would sit very very close to one another in the booth and Graham would fire off questions to them while they are all wearing matching hilarious hawaiian shirts with the Phillies logo on them) Anyway, as I was rooting around on the internet, I found these pictures:

The first one is Wheels, the second one is Graham, the third is LA, and the fourth is Harry the K. Fair enough. When I look at these pictures three things strike me: one, this picture was clearly taken at a Sears in South Jersey; two, Kalas has moved into the Hubie Brown Stratosphere of handsomeness; and three: it was clearly a group shot that they diced up to write individual profiles. However, a search of the entire internet has failed to return the picture as a whole. Obviously, it's my job to put the pieces together. Here's option one:

Not bad, I guess. I still can't get over that picture of Harry the K, though. Did he look at a series of photos, and then say, "yes, this is the one. That's the one I want on my profile." That would mean that there were pictures that looked worse. See if you can spot the subtle differences in my second attempt to reconstruct this legendary picture:

God I hate that Jon Jovi. Anyway, There are two differences. I've added three of the worst people on the planet, and Harry the K has been replaced by Burkey the K.

This may qualify as Phillies Blasphemy, but look at what 25 years of Phillies baseball has done to Harry the K! Time has not been kind to Harry. But this also has a great deal of relevance for me.

This means that in 25 years, I'm going to look like this:

The Bearded man has been Kalased! Just as a treat, here' s a look at the next 25 years of the Bearded Man's life, step by step:

If you would like to be kalasized, please send a headshot and $6 to ChristopherTobin@yahoo.com and his paypal account. I love the Phillies.

Accelerator Watch, Day 65

I thoroughly apologize to all of you who have been checking this page regularly for updates on the Accelerator, my new best friend, and part of the debutant homeless of Hoboken. Let’s start here: Did you know that the Accelerator got a haircut? And did you also know that I saw the Accelerator outside of MY apartment building picking through MY trash? Here’s a picture of what I looked like when I saw him:

Here’s a list of things I hoped he saw: (1) One of the crossword puzzles I had completed, so he’d know how smart I can be. (2) Some of the Taco Dip I made the other day, but couldn’t finish. (3) Cigarettes, even though I don’t smoke, but I know that the Accelerator loves cigarettes cause I was waiting by the bus the other day and I saw him searching the ground for something, then pick up a cigarette butt off the ground and light it, all in one motion.

I saw the Accelerator, and I immediately told my girlfriend to stop giving me long boring accounts of which of her friends are getting married. I told her to stand back and watch, because it appeared as if the accelerator was doing his taxes. Upon further review, he had gone around town and ripped down all of those things you post if you lose your dog, or give guitar lessons, or need a roommate, and decided to furiously peel through them.

Like I said, I took this picture while I was on a date with my girlfriend. While she wasn’t exactly thrilled, I was thrilled enough for the both of us, and I could tell that made her a little happy.

Bon Jovi Should Die in a Fire
Can someone please pull Bon Jovi aside and tell him he's a multi-millionaire and that he can stop making music now? Did you know that when the world gets in Jon Jovi's face, he says, "Have a nice day?" If I were him, when the 'world got in my face,' I'd say, "I have trillions of dollars, I've screwed ten thousand broads, and I have a sports franchise." See if you can tell which of the following is an actual poem by an actual third grader, or lyrics from his most recent album:

Sample A
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself not what other people say
When it seems like you're lost, alone and feeling down,
Remember everybody's different
Just take a look around

Sample B
Beauty is in you and everywhere
Beauty is my mother
Because she has diamond eyes
you can't be ugly
if you think you're beautiful

Send your answers to ChristopherTobin@yahoo.com.
Here's another gem from Jon Jovi: "I hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot a gold!"
FUCK YOU JON JOVI.

I don't know why this picture says, "Michael J Loveland" on it, but it makes it just that much creepier.








Jon Jovi's lyrics earn him a place alongside Dhani Jones and Slylock Fox.